The Journey to Identity
The way I struggled to write this post ehn but we thank the Lord!
Over the past few weeks I’ve encountered something in multiple places and conversations with people dear to me and that is the struggle of Identity. The struggle of Identity is probably the biggest struggle of our age and is really a hard hassle. We all assume its easy and we want it to be. We want it to be as simple as our Identity is in Christ but it doesn’t really work that way. I’d tell one part of my story then try to answer why It’s so hard to land on Identity. The men reading would relate to this more but everyone can pick something.
A lot of people assume I have never struggled with identity because I am Nenkinan Deshi and I’m awesome or I have it figured out and I’ve had life seemingly easy when it comes to personality struggles and I seem to be immune to peer pressure but that couldn’t be farther than the truth we all have and presently and will struggle with our identity — just to varying degrees.
Few years ago I was a teenager JS3-SS3 like. Everyone knows that is a very confused age. I didn’t escape the confusion. I didn’t go to extremes to find identity like some of my friends but I went my own length and breath. I’ve hinted on my passion for the boychild — this kind of story fuels me. I was confused. While my mates sought identity and popularity with other students and the world system, I was in the middle. I wanted so badly to be loved and validated by everybody. I knew at that age that I was a special child and had some gifting’s but I was still a kid. I wanted teachers and adults to love and affirm me and I also wanted the worlds system to love me so I lived on double lanes. In that period I think I knew every song produced and aired on mass media from Lil Wayne to Beyonce to Clean Bandit and at the same time from Lecrae to Hillsong Young and Free and I was okay. Listening to music wasn’t the problem, the motive was. I wasn’t just listening to music, I became musicmatch. Every term (because I was (are still) a genius), I’d use Microsoft publisher and google to create a booklet of lyrics of Billboards top 20 songs for the holiday period. And then because of my holy sense of guilt I’d add small Christian songs inside. Every term I’d print 5 copies and go to school. What was the effect? Validation. My lyric books were always in high and popular demand form SS1 to SS3 — it made me feel affirmed. At a point I even created a different booklet for Christian music so they wont be unequally yoked. But all for identity.
At this stage my mates were rapid experimenting. Hangouts every time. Organizing small scale parties and my Johnny waka leg was always going. Something that I’d stay outside because of loud music and smell of tobacco and alcohol tueh!
That was how confused I was. In this same period I began dealing with the problem on my left leg. I had to be secluded and isolated a lot because of my health. I couldn’t do any sport and gain affirmation on the pitch or track or court and I had to go through degrees of excruciating pain alone with no one understanding, bear the social horror of being the kid with crutches and a walking stick and my God! It wasn’t a beautiful hour.
I was also the first born and defacto First Grandchild in my family. Nobody was directly putting pressure on me half of the time but I was on pressure!
Then Dear BCA made me head boy. Double Wahala. I just didn’t want to perform because of my identity crises, I had to perform. And still I craved affirmation from my peers. The number of times my cover almost blew and my heart did gbim gbim kai! God just saved the boy!
I cant say how many times I got frustrated in this period because OMO even Hannah Montana struggled with Best of Both Worlds. How God taught me a big lesson at that age is a story I wont tell but God is gracious. In all my struggles with identity, this is what I have learnt:
God is Enough! You see that song we sing; “If All I have is Jesus, he’s more than enough”? That’s the truth!
Our Identity like our salvation is one of those easy but hard concepts. Its as simple as ABC but because of our finite humanity and desire for affirmation and love and recognition, we go searching everywhere else.
Dear Reader, You do not have to search for Love and Affirmation anywhere else. You don’t need to be recognized by any one else. Why? Because you were loved, affirmed and recognized in the grandest way possible long age. Millenia before you were born, before your ancestors came to be. Before your parents were even imagined. Before you even knew you were a party to the mutiny of humanity against God. Before you knew you needed rescuing from your sin and a Holy Spirit Friend Intercessor Medium between you and God. God sent Jesus to die for you and finish work so you do not need to struggle. A final complete payment was made on Calvary. You were cross examined and are now a child of God who loves you recklessly.
I know you want to be loved and feel intense passionate love especially in this valentines season. News Flash! God and Jesus and the holy spirit are the greatest romantics you know. No humans love or care beats them. Its so beautiful. Haven’t experienced it? Try it. Try to communicate with God as a lover and friend and less of a distant commander somewhere far you’d feel the real sweet love. God is to you who you relate with him as. He wants to be a lover but if you insist on that distant authoritative inconsiderate and insensitive figure than wahala for you.
God Loves You. That’s enough. And ultimately You should Live for the Audience of ONE.
Did my identity crises end there? I wish. I go try write part 2 to share what I learnt in another phase of life. Till then. One Love and peace as it appears I loved the Peace Sign that year!
